So what have I done today on my road to a better self? Well, probably not a lot, but I did feel very stressed today and I didn’t have a drink. Trying to be very mindful of why I may want a drink. I would like to get back to having a healthy relationship with alcohol, if that’s possible. I have always loved wine, but it went from a love to not really caring – it just eased the stress and then I think it became a habit. I tend to be a creature of routine – to the point of being almost OCD about it. I think I developed a psychological dependence on it. No, I know I did. And then – just as in my previous post – it got to a point where I was like “Enough!” I grew very tired of what it was doing to me – my three to four glasses of wine an evening habit – not sleeping well, leg and foot cramps at night, weight gain, puffiness in my face that never seemed to go away and then I started having problems with heartburn, etc. Enough!

So it hasn’t been long – just a couple of weeks of serious reduction. In the last two weeks I have had one glass of wine one day the first week and then two rum drinks with my husband while we did a staycation at a local resort for my birthday. Today – nada, but I wanted it – earlier today anyway. So, I guess – yea, me? If you can’t tell, I feel rather bah-hum-bug, but sadly I usually do on Sundays as I ponder the work week ahead. Another thing to work on. However, on the upside, I went grocery shopping today and got stuff to make breakfast smoothies – Greek yogurt, strawberries, blueberries, bananas, chia seeds, and super greens – kale, spinach, etc. And I got veggies, greens, and chicken to grill for salads this week. It was nice – felt very familiar. Up until early 2018, this is how I was eating and I got sorely out of the habit. I just need to keep it up.

This will be short post today. I am tired and have an 11-year old to drop off at a summer aquatics camp in the morning on my way into work. I really do hope it is good Monday.

Goals for tomorrow?

• Make a smoothie in the morning along with salad for lunch
• Have a healthy dinner
• No drinks
• And I HAVE to use my cervical traction device tomorrow! I ruptured disks in my neck in a car accident last fall. I am doing better but it has been a busy weekend and I am flared up

These are pretty light goals, but it is the first Monday since turning 49 and setting on this journey and I know myself. If I manage more, great – but I will be satisfied if I meet the above goals.

Love.

Today is my 49th birthday. So where am I today? How am I doing? Good question. I am probably in the worst shape I have ever been. Having been an active and fit person for the majority of my years on earth, it really bothers me. There are tons of excuses: extensive amount of travel this past year, lots of stress, transitional time as one of my kids graduates college and my other one goes into the Navy, car accident in November of 2019 that ruptured disks in my neck and back, and taking in my best friend’s 11 year old daughter for a few months so my best friend can focus on one of her older daughters who is battling addiction.

Enough!

Get over it! This is what I find I have been telling myself quite a bit lately. This is life – the bad along with good will always be present along the way. I think that is my theme for this next year, to strive to be my best, better self despite life’s challenges. So what does that mean? Trying to learn to roll with the punches without wrecking my physical and mental health in the process. And just enjoying life more!

I think a lot about my best friend’s daughter who is battling addiction. She is in a “stable” mode right now – holding it together pretty well while they vet different treatment options. Everyone is holding their breath. She is doing “okay” now but what will she do if something triggers her – some stressful situation real or imagined? She’ll probably go off the deep end – again – and try to cope with it in the worst way imaginable taking drugs that could kill her and almost have on several occasions in the past. She is an extreme case granted but am I so different? My coping mechanisms of late probably won’t kill me – at least not for a number of years – but most of them certainly are not healthy. I drink too much wine, I veg after dinner in the evenings, and while I have not been a stress eater in my past, I am now. I am too reliant on sleep aids and yet still don’t sleep the best. I let things get to me entirely too much and I have a penchant for catastrophizing certain things to epic proportions. I neglect doing many of the things I enjoy or used to enjoy.

Enough!

And then there is my husband, my lovely, funny mother hen of a husband of 20+ years. That is a whole other topic. We truly love each other, but there is an element of complacency in our relationship. For being what I consider by nature two passionate people, and not just in the romantic sense, but about life, about our friends, about our family, about this world – that passion is buried pretty deep. I’d like to see that re-ignited in every aspect including the romantic sense. But I can’t do that for him and myself. I can be supportive of his personal efforts, but I can’t be the cure, the fixer for him, but I think that is almost an expectation on his part.

Enough! I don’t know what to do about that – yet. That stresses me.

So, here I am, 49 years old today with a lot to figure out. Will I have it all figured out by the time I turn 50? Hell, no! I am old enough to know better than to put that kind of burden on myself plus it’s just stupid. But I do want to turn 50 being a better version of my previous self. What do I think that means today?

• Being healthy physically – lose weight and get back into shape sensibly and in a way that can be sustained over the long term. Get in to see doctors and specialists that can help me effectively treat what currently ails me as well as get back into the routine of preventive care and checkups about which I have been very bad for a number of years.
• Being healthy mentally and spiritually – for me personally I feel these are intertwined – well, really mind, body, spirit, right? That whole concentric circle thing but I digress. I need to learn healthier coping mechanisms for dealing with life’s stresses. I also need to regularly engage more with friends and family and seek out new social experiences. I tend to be more on the introverted side versus the extroverted, so I do value and need alone time, but I do like or want to like again as did when I was younger getting out and doing things with friends more regularly. For a while now, going out with friends seems to be more of a chore than a want-to-do and it shouldn’t. I am fortunate to have some really lovely, genuine friends.
• Being healthy financially or at least getting on the road to better financial health. This another big stressor and has been forever and I am SO sick of it!
• Rekindling passion and creativity – these are such important components of who I am and I have not given them near the attention needed. I want to feel excited about things again.
• And not the last – as I am sure there are many items I cannot think of right now – and certainly not the least by a long shot, is really re-engaging with my husband – getting back to really enjoying each other and spending more quality time together.

Enough! Enough? For today at least.

One year to 50 – here we go!